live, love, laugh. (:

November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 April 2012 September 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014 March 2015 August 2016

Worst thing is that I truly thought I'd well and truly gotten over it - but the all-too-familiar pricks of insecurity and self-doubt and the threatening warmth behind the eyes just show me once again how freaking naive I've been.

7 months ago feels like an entire strange universe away... So many things have happened and now I really wish I'd taken the time to document it all down, rather than experiencing this disconcerting sensation of looking back and feeling like the past few months/years of my life have been so inconsequential that in retrospect nothing really jumps out at me ^^; Strange to think how if it were possible to document every thought every feeling every word spoken and heard in one's life, a single week could probably fill an entire library of annals but so little of it actually sticks. I guess it just makes me have kind of existential crisis-y thoughts of the point of living, the reason behind this intricately designed system of heart and brain and muscle within every single one of us that gives us these seemingly useless history of thoughts and actions. If we only retain 0.0001% of what we do/think/feel in our lives, then what is the point of the other 99.9999%? 

Great day spent mostly by myself doing the things I love best; it's been a long long while since I've gotten the luxury of being able to read/write letters/indulge in good food/hobo around random places all in one day so heehee am a very happy girl today~ ^__^

Ended up doing some introspection throughout the course of the day, and unfortunately (fortunately?) came to realise some inherent flaws in myself that I'd never really noticed or bothered to address before today. Sometimes these epiphanic moments float by and I just think of all the stupid remarks I've made or actions I've taken and I really wonder why on earth I still have friends if I'm capable of doing such cringe-worthy things - can never forget to be thankful for the rare ones who've experienced me at my absolute worst and for some reason are still willing to stick by me <3 I don't know, there are just a lot of fragile things in the world that could crack and break with the smallest agitation and sometimes it is incredibly terrifying to think of how even the smallest action, when not clearly thought through or planned, could inadvertently ruin the house of cards you've painstakingly built over months or years. I guess what I'm saying is that while I do have my share of houses of cards, I am incredibly blessed to have relationships built on solid rock - and I wouldn't trade any of these rocks for diamonds :>

Whee thankfully already feeling more rested and energised for term 3 ^__^ Let's goooo

The sheer futility and normalcy of life: there are moments when I read or see something that makes me realise just how so very little any of our life paths can deviate from another's should we choose to stay in this little island. It feels like this place is but a collection of almost homogeneous lives which follow the path of study -> work/maybe start a family -> die, and the monotony of this very thought brings out in me a great feeling of frustration. I know no society in the world is absolutely perfect, or perhaps my notion of the Singapore society as I just opined above is terribly flawed or myopic, seen through the rose-tinted glasses of one of the privileged. Still...among the friends I've discussed this with many have agreed, and not a negligible proportion of them have expressed their deep desire to leave this ostensibly oppressive Singapore system which seems to direct all of us to a uniform path through life. I do empathise with their points of view and similarly wish to...what? Stray from the pack and pursue an unexpected track? Travel the world? (good gracious yes please) Just leave Singapore and live in a different country, one where I feel less pressured to be the very best in everything I do or else, one where there is less widespread discontentment with The System? Yet it will be incredibly difficult, for me at least; while indeed I've had 'experience', if you will, with being away from my dad and my extended family for a stretch of time, moving permanently overseas beyond Asia will undoubtedly make me painfully homesick >< Not to mention having to adjust to the new culture (pretty sure I took at least 3 years to adjust to Singapore when I first moved here haha), and then what if I become equally dissatisfied with the state of matters in that country?

There's just so many things about what I'm going to do with my future that I need time to think about, but A's sigh... T_T

I crave for a lot of things.


Whee successful first day of sticking to my study schedule! :D Only 27 more days to go... ^^; I guess the most difficult issue I'll be facing this month will be finding things to look forward to, things to wake up for every day; I know the next month (the next few months leading up to the A's, actually) is going to be painfully monotonous, and the novelty of studying (I honestly woke up this morning feeling excited to carry out my study plan HAHA) will wear off soon, perhaps as soon as tomorrow. My June holidays are pretty barren as of now, and yes I do desperately need all this time to consolidate everything, but I must admit that the thought of having to discipline myself and sit down to study everyday is terribly daunting >< Currently in an attempt to recruit a study buddy living around my area haha efforts have been pretty futile though sigh :'(

OK YES pointless rambling aside...not quite sure why but I've been thinking about R&J for a fair bit lately! I'm starting to wonder if I am a lot more similar to Romeo than I once thought, which is really not a very comforting notion since he's often been described as a 'spineless wimp of a man' slash 'whiny little kid' by my ex Lit teacher... ^^; I guess I identify with his hopelessly romantic (hmm don't think this is the right term to describe him actually, but in my own defence it's been 1.5 years since lit!!! ;___;) side; if there is something that I'm pretty sure everyone who's read/studied R&J would agree on, it'd be that Romeo was in a kind of Petrarchan love with Rosaline (I'm 10000% convinced that he wasn't truly in love with Juliet either, hnnnhgn the memory of all his ridiculous antics coming back to me....T^T But this is one of the most contestable issues in the play so I'll zip it for now haha) and I suppose I understand the attraction? Love (romantic or otherwise) is a beautiful thing, and we as humans in general crave to love and be loved in return. So in this respect I do believe that there is a little Romeo in everyone, a Petrarchan lover who loves the idea of being in love, and enjoys the very notion of love.

I don't deny that I may be over-generalising things, that this is the point of view of someone who's had pretty limited experience in love, but in my opinion this does hold true especially among youths of our generation. Just consider the proportion of songs, books, movies today that are almost wholly dedicated to a market of people who want to hear about falling in love, heartbreak, new beginnings, or all of the above, and I think it's pretty clear what's on a lot of teenage minds at this point of time. Granted, the presence of so many of such artistic representations of love may be attributed to the fact that love is one of, if not the most powerful emotion that humans are capable of experiencing, and as such there is naturally a plethora of attempts to express this decidedly and frustratingly indescribable thing. At the same time...maybe it's human nature to so badly want to understand something that so many have tried and failed to comprehend over the course of the entire universe? So maybe we shouldn't have been so harsh on Romeo - we can't pigeonhole love, after all, and maybe his flings/feelings/infatuation (???two years of studying the text and I still don't know what he was doing ._.) with Rosaline and/or Juliet was just his own attempt at what he deemed love should be ^^

Haha ok to end of yet another very rambly post, a song I've been listening on repeat for the past hour HAHA (because Ed Sheeran!!!!):






Had a rather odd existential moment just now while I was rereading Fahrenheit 451 haha, it got me thinking about the existence of a unique soul inside every single human being on this planet who is living and who has ever lived. It truly is quite a remarkable concept once one stops and thinks about it, that inside every person you see on the street, within the familiar faces you see every day and the unfamiliar ones, resides someone. Every single person is looking out of their own eyes, living out their lives and having their own experiences, be they together with or separate from yours. And just imagine the sheer number of emotions and feelings that a person could be experiencing at any single point of time! The idea that outward appearances are important just somehow felt more and more ridiculous to me, aren't our bodies but mere shells for this incredibly weird being within us? Any doctor could stick some evil-looking instrument down my throat, look down my guts (...sorry) and claim that they've seen the inside of me, but I'm pretty sure everyone would agree that even if our entire physical bodies were to be dismantled and laid out for all to see, who we are as individuals is perhaps by no means fully represented in our physical appearances. So...I don't know. I'm not quite sure what on earth I'm trying to get at here, or if there's even a point to all this rambling but I guess it was just intensely interesting for me, this first time actually thinking about how we are all living, each and every one of us in this world, all our individual lives and thoughts and feelings and I'm pretty sure my words are not doing the majesty of it all nearly enough justice, but it truly is a remarkable thing to think about :)

Perhaps that's part of the reason why I've never truly hated anyone before- we are all simply human after all, and every single person is just so beautifully complex that I just feel that it is pretty dang near impossible for anyone to be able to say that they know another inside and out. And who are we to judge one whose life we aren't living, whose thoughts we haven't thought, whose emotions we haven't felt? Maybe that's what's behind (pardon my very strong romanticism rearing its dopey head  here hahaha) the concept of falling in love, at least a little, with everyday people you meet and spend time with: with the stranger at the bus stop who meets your eye and gives you a shy smile, with the boy you've never exchanged a single word with but whose voice you could recognise anywhere, with the friend you see everyday in school with whom you've shared so much. Maybe we recognise a little bit of ourselves in all these people, see in them pieces of us that we keep hidden, realise with a startling sense of recognition that we are all the same but so very different. There's something in everyone that is worth loving, worth spending our time on, worth getting to know, even if there will never come a time when you are wholly able to see or experience another soul like your own.

Being alive and human really is beautiful ^^