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tonight i've fallen and i can't get up
Sunday, April 29, 2012 || 3:04 PM
Hehe I got a sudden urge to blog while sitting in the car thinking of completely random stuff so here I am blogging! This blog post is probably going to sound completely ineloquent and incoherent but never mind :P
So, POC.
Red Cross has played such a huge part in my secondary school life, and I believe it something I cared the most about, especially from mid sec 1 to sec 3. So for me to not pen down (or in this case type down or something) some of my thoughts of my level stepping down is just...it just doesn't feel right! Now that my emotions from Thursday have mostly stabilized, I'm down to just thinking about it. Yeah, ok fine I sound stupid but yeah I just started thinking. How things have changed, how people I know have changed, how I have changed. (haha omg maybe I should've written about this for my 'change' one-word narrative) Because...oh dear I've really lost the ability to express myself -___- But anyway it's no doubt that things've changed, be it for better or for worse. Red Cross has given me so many memories, memories as a cadet, of running around, memories of standing in the hot sun in senang diri and looking up, memories of the adrenaline rush right before meeting, memories of a pounding heart and shaking hands as I report to an NCO, memories of my own growth, as I eventually learned to not be afraid to speak up, to be more confident of myself as a person, as a cadet. Then, of course, come the memories for camp, of staying in the men's pumping position for what seemed like hours until sweat was dripping copiously to the floor of the amphitheatre, until my hands started shaking so bad I thought I was not going to be able to make it, but I did. Then came the lesson that you are capable of far more things than you think, if only you push yourself. With the camp memories came the memories of stage fright (or amphi fright) the moments before my group went up to perform our skit, the nervous anticipation and thoughts ranging through the years from "Oh my goodness why is everyone staring at us this is so scary" to "Argh we're so screwed" to "Okay whatever we'll just do our best and everything will be fine" and everything did turn out fine, thanks to the incredibly supportive family that is SCRCY. The memories for camp alone will take me 10 million years to even pen down, so I'll think I'll just stop there for the moment. Then, memories from past POCs, the heartache I felt for every single NCO level that was stepping down, even when I was in Secondary 1. The thought that these seniors who cared for us, took responsibility for us and taught us so much were leaving, I think this sentiment and all that it entails is really reserved for UGs, just because we are the least close to our seniors as compared to other CCAs, yet we are the closest to them at the same time. For each level of NCOs who stepped down, I cried for different reasons, and this year, I cry for a different reason as well. This year, it's not about missing my level anymore, it was more about the fact that I can't make any more memories in Red Cross, at least not as a member of the unit. And when I started crying way earlier than I expected to, in the Red Cross room while we were practising our POC songs, I think that was when I was the most emotional as then, there, was the last time I would be able to see my entire level in a single place doing something together. The last time. Sure, there'll be level outings, and POC dinner, but it just won't feel the same. I don't know, I guess some feelings just cannot be explained and this is one of them. Then, during POC itself when I saw the juniors crying and remembered how I felt during past POCs, especially during last year's POC when I cried the hardest, cried so hard I started blubbering and couldn't even sing the POC song, then I started crying again. This time it was grief from missing my amazingly sweet and kind and enthusiastic and crazy and quiet and weird juniors, the best anyone could ever ask for. It was grief that I may not be able to see them grow as people week by week anymore, that the next time I see them they'll probably change so much, hitting me with these constant bombardments of sadness that I couldn't be there to watch them grow. I'm probably sounding like one of the domestic helpers from overseas who go to other countries to work and leave their children in their home countries, but the sentiment is truly rather similar. And now, I officially am not part of SCRCY anymore. Just an ex-NCO, joining the past generations of ex-NCOs who have moved on with their lives. Yet, I believe that every single one of us will have a very special portion in our heart dedicated to SCRCY, to the memories we've made, to the tears we've shed, to the seniors, juniors, levelmates, who have stayed with us long after we've passed out. And I'd like to think that this part will stay with all of us until the end of our lives, that one of the images that will cross our minds as part of the flashback that we have before we breathe our last, will be of SCRCY, of a proud unit standing together as one despite all the odds. And now this post's starting to sound a bit morbid (sorry about the death bit at the end I got carried away -_____-) so I shall stop.
Phew, I feel significantly lighter now after unloading all this. If you've actually bothered to read through all that, I hope your brain hasn't spontaneously combusted :/ Until next time,
The winter has passed
And the spring has come
We have withered
And our hearts are bruised from longing
I'm singing my blues
Used to the blue tears, blue sorrow
I'm singing my blues
The love that I have sent away with the floating clouds, oh, oh
-Blue, Big Bang
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Thank you, SCRCY. :)